A Bedtime Story about Bedtime Stories

Grandpa, tell me a story

Ugh, I’ve gotta pipe ter smoke.

Please? I love bedtime stories

No.

Everyone else has a storytelling grandpa.

Fine. But I’m smoking. Don’t tell your mother, or else I’ll breath on yeh and yeh’ll get me—

*phlegm-laden coughs*

Yeh like bedtime stories so much? I’ll tell y’about… uhh… bedtime stories!

Grandpa—

Quiet you, in my day we took the stories we were given. Half th-time weren’t even stories, just recipes, or verb tables, or what pa could see outta the window. Yeh’ll ‘ave a story about stories and yeh’ll like it. Now…

Back in the day, or rather, ‘fore there was proper days, all the words was a-swirl, and some of ‘em was stories. Wait… yeah, some of ‘em was stories… songs? Whatever, much of a muchness in’er? I reckon tha’s a diffrent story actually.

Now. Also back in the day, there was all kinda gods and whatnot, did all kinda works. One of ‘em was a not-so-popular and very much ghoulish daedra name o’ Vaeeeernima!

Vaermina?

Yeh, that. Now Vaerina was much taken to the night time, and to sleepin’ boys ‘n’ girls ‘specially. An’ the world back then were a right scary place. Moreso than now, like now but worse. Anyway, and Vaer- the daedra were known ter enjoy the sowin’ an’ reapin’ o’ baaad dreams. Yeh know when yeh have a nightmare, fearsome scary, and yeh go ter ditur- wake up… yer ma an’ pa? Tha’s the work o’ that same ol’ daedra. Only back then, she were much more about.

Now one thing ter ‘member ‘bout elves, is that their a bunch o’ wusses, an even when they ain’t little boys nor girls —

Grandpa that’s racist

Pish, in my day we didn’ ‘ave a word fer “racist”, we jus’ ad a big ol’ axe fer choppin’ up elves what came a-knockin’. Quiet down.

Anyways, even when they ain’t little boys nor girls, they’m powerful scurred o’ Vaermima’s bad dreams. So they got a hold o’ one o’ their elf gods. Wassisname… Jeoffrey? Iffy? Summat elfish rest ashured. An’ ol’ wassisname weren’t much good fer nothin’, bein’ an elf god. But ‘e ‘ad a right clever idea, did ol’ wassisname, an’ ‘e were right good at spinnin’ a yarn. So ‘e told the sleepin baby-elfs lie down in bed, be right quiet, an listen ter ol’ wassisname. An’ he told ‘em such lovely tales as ter keep their little elf minds off o’ ol’ daedruh’s works. All kinda stories ‘e told ‘em, and they was whisked away ter dreamland thinkin’ a wat ‘e told ‘em, instead of ol’ Vaeina’s tricks.

So ter this very day, when a boy or a girl or an elf don’ wanna sleep, some ol’ grandpa’s kept away from ‘is pipe to tell ‘em a bedtime story, and that’s how bedtime stories was made. Yeh ‘sleep yet?