A Campfire Story about Tiber Septim
“Say, it’s too early to go to bed. Wanna hear a story?”
“If this is about the Return of the Five Hundred Companions again, I’m going to retch.”
“No, no. This is going to be a different story. One about a great man whose grand exploits—”
“Were about killing elves. Not interested.”
“No, you’re not listening! You don’t even know who he is yet!”
“Pelinal.”
“No.”
Hoag?
“Close. Tiber Septim.”
“Oh, great.”
“Tiber Septim was born a Nord named Talos Stormcrown, one of the last refugees from Atmora…”
“I thought he was born a Breton named Hjalti Early-Beard, in High Rock.”
“That’s not what happened! Anyways, Talos was special. He had dragon blood, which meant he was the Dragonborn.”
“Kills keepers of arcane knowledge by shouting really loud. Get it.”
“Who’s telling the story here? Talos went to Cyrodiil, where he (as Tiber Septim) became King Cuhlecain’s general. He was a brilliant general whose Voice was only matched by his thu’um, his most famous feat being the reclamation of Old H’roldan—”
“By striking a deal with the ghost of an ancient Nordic king at night.”
“And after that, all the men had to concede that he was their rightful king.”
“Yeah, because he struck a deal with the ghost of the King Wulfharth.”
“At night, a Bretonish assassin snuck into Cuhlecain’s chambers and murdered him.”
“Sounds pretty convenient for good old Septim. A bit too convenient, if you ask me…”
“Are you implying anything?”
“No, nothing.”
“I thought so. Septim was damaged in the attack, but he managed to kill the assassin and get out alive. From then on, he had to command his troops with a whisper.”
“Wasn’t his throat cut by Yokudan pirates?”
“No, are you listening? So Septim, with his right-hand man Zurin Arctus…”
“And Wulfharth.”
“WILL YOU SHUT UP?”
“…”
“Good.”
“As I was saying, Tiber Septim and Zurin Arctus’ next move is to invade Morrowind, home of the oldest enemies of Men…”
“(And rich ebony deposits.)”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Good. So Tiber is about to win when the elves strike a deal. They give him the power of the Numidium in exchange for some rights, including the right to practice their religion in peace.”
“Ugh, Daedra worship. Nothing could be worth that.
“Yeah, I know.”
“Tiber takes the deal, but here’s the thing: he needs a power source. Shor’s Heart was the original, but it was gone at that time. Taken by the elves. So he needed a replacement. Luckily for him, Zurin was a Shezarrine, which meant that he was the soul of Shor.”
“Wasn’t that Wulfharth who was the Shezarrine?”
“Are we going to do this again?”
“…No.”
“Thank you. Zurin willingly cooperates with Tiber, separating himself from his own soul and creating the Mantella. Finally, the Numidium can be activated.
groans
Which leads into my favorite part…”
“Oh boy…”
“The Siege of Alinor.”
“Big dumb brute crashes in and wrecks hundreds of elegantly crafted Altmer buildings and spells, killing thousands of innocents along the way. Humans are so much better blah blah blah. I GET IT.”
“Elegantly put.”
“After this, Tiber rules over all provinces completely.”
What about Black Marsh?
“…Almost every province.”
Or Morrowind?
“MOST PROVINCES.”
And after his death…”
“Nothing happens.”
“The Eight Divines…”
“He dies and nothing happens after that. End. Of. Discussion.
“Fine. Well, anyways, my story’s over. Time to sleep.”
“The sun is rising, you dolt.”
“…This is your fault, you know that?”
“…Yeah.”