The Final Days of the First Legion of the Imperial Expeditionary Force

“The first ship to make landfall on Dragon Land and make way for the Bane was captained by Mojito the Last Akaviri Man, whose wasabi-cannons made fire with gusto on the Snakes that devoured the names of his people and made the sea cry rivers of spice-salt. To join the first wave was Ralyn Sadras, or Cider the Mad, who manced the beach with sap to make way for her compatriots Thricer-Ook, Spearman of the Marshes who had invented the halberd Sordak that could reshape nothingness and warp it and Mdnthrvst Twilight-Mage, also Azura Secundus, who stroked the winds to keep the night from coming too quickly. And on this wind ran Nautil Dread No-Hands, who was still able to wield a sword to kill the Good King of the Frozen Forest anon Kamal, and Sef Witch-Hunter of High Rock or Luinithil Reachmen-Queen of Altbal depending on the parable, who sung her tongue back into her mouth when a Snake ate it out. Laughing like a maniac on the back of a snow-whale was winged Aviénne, Southern Regal-Born of Betony (or Bet’nikh depending on the story) who woke up the Night Hawk, Bull-Man Uncle and Kyne-Son, whose black wings announced the dusk that Mdnthrvst wasn’t letting happen (so he settled his rage by eating the worm-stars of Old Esri, but no one remembers that because he burped them all back up again). Behind them was Dark Intoness the Nightingale, who came only to plunder both her allies and foes of their valuables, which was easy because the ability of becoming shadows was a gift of the Ur-Dra. With quill and parchment in hand instead of sword and shield was Xanius the Alphabetuer, who was giving names to so many things the fighting didn’t even faze him. Demigods Krognaz gro-cath (legendary Myrr’d Lyn of Orsinium) and Dovahkiin (One? Two? Three? Perhaps all of those, yet whose form no one remembers) arrived dressed in armours of times yet here, and with them were Octavius of the Purple Game who could make the sky rain names and the High Deadite whose rotted away in his sleep and made him Cult of Arkay. Ner the Warrior-King of Lost Adac arrived next burning fire, contrasting the sleds driven by Hollan Mark Shield-Thane of the Ice Tribes, who was blizzard given form, and where the two met they made steam erupt in everyone’s faces. Bis son of Fy son of Cui the Cook tore out of a Snake’s neck while eating a dragon drumstick with no salt, which left a sour taste in the mouth of Va-Ru-Nu the Lizard-Wife of All the Seas who made a big tidal wave smash into the beachhead. Oribel long-lost son of Eplear roared a great roar and used Beast-Shift to run into the Snake City and let the others in. Running in first was the Unprovided Witch Spectra, who erased her own name to share the world, and S’wag the Flip Master, who stole locks from the Mane in order to jump in six ways even though there is only five cardinal directions because sugar rush. Syth Troll-King then marched with six-hundred of his ilk (who only fitted on his ship because it wasn’t a ship at all, but an outline of paddling three-eye beasts) through the streets only stopped by Mus Orez, who suddenly showed up out of nowhere because that’s his whole shtick, to avoid trampling the beach out of commission. And carrying the flags of the Ruby Throne was standard-bearers Syhrlil (who carried the flag of Tiber Septim, which was fitting since he was a dragon), Pops (who carried the flag of Pelagius the Mad, who was actually the sanest of us all), Xenopos (who carried the flag of Potema Wolf-Queen, Oblivion Empress-Spirit of the Dead who is only venerated here to stave off her wrath) Mononymous (who carried the flag of young Morihatha because she was coming into her age and her emblem brought loin-warmth to both sexes), and OT (who carried the flag of Uriel VII-Not-Even-Born-Yet, because he was one of the few who cared about all that occupied Tamriel). These moderators, called thus so for their unswerving duty in the Legion, planted their poles so deep into the ground of Dragon Land that all the natives that lived there knew that TAMRIEL IS COME and the Snakes slithered off so fast it almost look like they grew legs made out names. And the Bane came to shore and he renamed the old Snake City Septimia, forever make-naming that province of names Dawn’s Beauty, and declared the mighty first wave over.

Between the resting first wave and the birthing second came the Bane’s closest advisors, who arrived with a force of a thousand ships. First was Ddot Drawoh, who was the lead designer of the fleet who planned the formations out in the first place and was armed with a sword so bright everyone had to blink between blinks of blinks to make the light go away. Behind him was Ordinator Khuul great-great grandson of Kurta-Khuul and great-grandfather of Hasphat Antabolis, who was either named after the town or the town was named after him. AFFU MU, a Khajiit of grand stature, of course sat on the mast drinking tea and praying to the Third Moon in the sky for more parchment to write down the tongue of his people, which annoyed his companions down below. Grandmaster Staff (called that because it is said that he once used his walking stick to irritate Magnus the Sun) was waiting patiently besides Madame Marverique, whose voice is so beautiful to describe it would only anger those that hear it because that couldn’t surely be right. Blue Devourer, that talking wamasu of Old Argonia, of course wrote of his arrival in lightning across the daytime sky. Sir Ja-Ma-La, who often goes by his initials SJML because to say his full name is the secret of reaching Yokuda backwards, was the only one armed and at the ready in case the Snakes struck again. Krol of House Krol had also come from Vvardenfell, with a personal guard of forty trained cliff racers of war. And one cannot forget Theodore of Nosretep, who the Bane thought was the Mad God in disguise (but since the other Sixteen Lords of Misrule were also soldiers of the First Legion he made no action against him). The next advisors, all members of the Zenith Order of Sutch (which was infamous for its massive amount of members that often corroborated together instead of doing things alone), were Beredalmo the Signifier (who many thought was simply related to the first Beredalmo, but others say was the same person), the Ancient Sage of Solitude (whose name was Luap, or at least, one of them was), Shield-Sisters Acissej Moslof and Anig Onurb (who shields bore gorgon-heads), Alli of the Berries (whose forefathers invented the first flavors of wine), the lycanthrope poet known as Zenke the Skald-Hound (who was the first person to make hymns out of blood-howls), the Blade Slavicsek (who is forever known as Snake Traitor in the hissing tongue of the Dragon Land), Borchestney the Centaur (armed with only a warhammer he had named the Funny Bone of Lorkhan) and his closest friend Hcaz-Hsub the Minotaur (great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson of Morihaus son of Kyne and Perrif mother of dragons), Wynne the Jester (who had knowledge of jokes from the past, present, and future that always made those that heard them laugh), and finally Tuttle the Man-Turtle (the last of a forgotten race of old Cyrod) came out running faster than the speed of light. These were the advisors of the Bane, and with their arrival Mdnthrvst finally allowed the night to come in (which made the Night Hawk so happy he flew all the way to Tatterdemalion and returned with a force of one-hundred mananauts) and the Bane used his divine authority to still everyone’s blood and made them rest for a Void amount of time.

Of those one-hundred mananauts only thirty-seven elected to stay and help the Bane in his conquest of the Snake Kingdoms and the Dragon Land, and so they’re noble names are recorded here to show their loyalty to the Ruby Throne forevermore. Written down first was Dagoth Luagar of the Sixth House, made immortal by the divine disease. Nigedo of Delodiil and B the Mystic were second and third, who used lunar magicks to make swords out of Doom-Drums’ spine and summon ebony armor for their comrades. These comrades were Fiore (who was the 3000th in her family to bear that name), Space Mariner (who sailed the seas of Xarxes and came back a Clever Man), Dargor (a reanimated Dragon Priest that served under King Hjaalmer who was Nordragon-Elf), Xarnac the Conqueror (once a simple Colovian Lord who served Hjalti but not Tiber the Usurper), Anchorite (who once grew so enraged at being called a servant of Mannimarco-Hidden-Among-These-Names that he sliced the Dead Moon in half with a pen), Matrapp Atansky (the bravest guar that would ever be born), Dean G (formally Dean Direnni, who almost unlocked the Vault if his stepfather hadn’t punted him to the moons when he saw that Dean was succeeding), Tarvok Spellbinder (who, as his name suggested, bounded spells and was the father of bound spells), Pelopon Nese (a talking island that went on strike and escaped the wrath of Professor Numinatus, who had joined the fray in order to look for him), Dron Jitsu (a Man of Snow who was the grandmaster of all hand-to-hand combat on Nirn), Jupiter Knight (unstar-made warrior blown out of the sun), Andros Weishmeyer (was actually the Masque of Clavicus Vile armed with Umbra, a terrifying sight), Grappa’s Hammer (who was much more courageous than its owner, Grappa, who remained in Tatterdemalion), M. Caber (a man with a cannon for a hand, but which hand?), Glurin (a Khajiit made entirely out of sugar-glass), Night Cowl (a moon-wraith that escaped from the Weapons of Rapture), Mazeltoph (a singing wine bottle that spurted so much drink that everyone became tipsy and ten times more violent), Svarnor Far-Traveled (who accidently sneezed so powerful that he blew Akavir farther away into the east), Risa (an Argonian-but-not-Saxhleel that had to use his vast knowledge of Restoration magicks to make the previous action right again), Aphosis (constructor of Tamriel’s Foundry, a place of much discussion and prestige that was so secretive that it was public knowledge), Garlas Umaril (an Ayleid statue made in the likeness of the Unfeathered, which resulted in the Return of Pelinal), Ungoliant the Consumer (who inhaled many of the snakes and exhaled them all out as number-spears), Gladerunner (a Silvenar whose Green Lady had been killed in the first rush, resulting in him running across the Padomaic to join the battle), Thargs (an Atmoran who used ancient time magicks to revive the Ysgramor and his Five Hundred Companions, who made the First Legion number in numbers incalculable), Zorkaluk (a vampire with the ability of coming back stronger every time he died), Patelin JR (half-Bosmer son of the Khajiit Thief God, giving him the ability to steal the snakes’ shadows and use them against them) Bardic Nonsense (a skald whose very voice birthed mass confusion), Willas HH (who was actually Baan Dar in disguise), Maristair (a member of the Penitus Oculatus, whose unswerving duty to the Septim Throne caused him to erupt from the past with a platoon of fellow specters), Hurin (Dark Brother of Sithis, whose mission was originally to assassinate the Bane until he fell in love with the bloodshed around him), Gederic (a Leaper Demon wearing the skin of a giant), Vlaars (the only half-vampire, half-lycanthrope to ever live as a result of things between Bal and Hircine best left unsaid), Lady Freyja (High Queen of Nu Cyrod and true forger of the Jagged Crown, birthright of her Falmeri blood), and finally Tosha (a Druid who was capable of communing with the Jills, allowing her to Bite out the Scales of this fight).

Twice was Jode and Jode dancing before the Bane declared the second wave to arrive inside a giant ruby simulacrum in the shape of the Color of Betrayal, which was wheeled in front of the next Snake City (which the Bane had already named Ionith in honor of a fair maiden he had loved early on in life only for her to die tragically at the stake for being a convicted witch). The Snakes were not expecting such a item, and soon wheeled it beyond their gates in order to dissect its language roots. But this had been a Tamrielic trap created by the Bane, and when the Snakes broke through the blood-shell the second wave tore through the city like bats out of a hell. The first out was Nev Solitha, the Archmage who had etched the flow of time on a hawk’s feather, and close behind him was Doc Uch, who outran his own shadow and Anshar the Star-Warlock, who summoned down a shooting star from space to crash into a large section of the city. Next was Sudon the Withstanding, who drowned in wasabi and climbed out a Frost Giant, and Obli Vi Ous, who forgot why he was fighting but continued to fight anyway. Prince Nona, the only Maormer present here today, was forced to come out by the others when he summon the shades of one hundred and thirty-three serpents within the Color of Betrayal. Running out behind them spitting spirit-scales was Kia, the Know-It-All, who read the contents of the Imperial Library in its entirety and retained all of its knowledge. Ajiika, who once cut through an entire battlefield of gore and came out clean on the other side, was right behind the Know-It-All with Dinsmurf, who some say had Dwemeri blood because how else could he create such literary works and Sock the Toe, whose artwork was so extraordinary that they could be used to walk the infinite paths of eternity. And with this act of subterfuge Ionith was taken and the First Legion of the Bane settled in without delay. But the winter months of the Dragon Land was lethal to the forces of Magne-Adabal (the most ancient, truest name for Tamriel) and the Bane grew angry. Gladius (a liaison from the lands of the bat elves, who some say was an aspect of the HRAHNDEYL) tried to tell the Bane that it was possible the snakes had stolen snow magicks from the northern demons, but the Bane laughed at his theories and instead sent Iizyoldein (a Saxhleel Hist-Minder who took on the names of northern men) and Rite the Perished (a sickly alchemist, who Theodore declared was the Taskmaster putting on his fighting face) to the outskirts of Magne-Aka-Adabal-Vir to make the cold run away. Yet their weather magicks only succeeded to make a fine mist, which the snakes (being cowards of the highest order) used to their advantage and in a force so big it wrote a new definition for the word attacked Ionith with savage fury.

Among the names of those that defended the city was Viscountess N, who wrote her vision into reality and there it still stays; Maering of Clan Bear-Poker, who cracked glaciers wherever he stepped; Zini, Shield-Thane of Ebonarm the Memory-Lord (who was in the fight alongside the Divines at the best of his mistress, the Blue Star); Laurel Thalasa, who rejected her nobility to run in the wilds as a War-Nymph; Nigel, who as a man named all the species of birds (who he summoned to help him in the bloodshed); Freurn of the Double Zero People, who burned an entire snake unit with ice; Crikey, whose laugh made true anger itself break into smile and confused the snakes so that Txaj the Imga (who wrote texts so beautiful they cried) of the Alessian Order could slice of their word-fangs with High Marukh’s groin-spear; Earnest Frank, who used his mathematics as weaponry; Learfis the Blind, who can smell the blood dripping from his opponents’ mouths to make up for not having eyes like all of the Betrayed; Dica the Cold, who was born from icy dragon’s breath; Aeo, who tamed the star-birds of myth and rode upon them into battle; Gilan, whose mouth was cut off but not before he destroyed the entire bloodlines of those that did it; [NUMINIT], the only Dwemer Automaton capable of communication (and being an early design of Numidium he used his refusal-generators to combat the word-eating of the snakes); Ald Mothril (also known as the Black Fire), who wrote history so fast he burnt the parchment in eight different eras; Falip the Defiler, whose mythos corrupts the souls of all that come into contact with it but at the same time makes them better; Ordo Corvus the Raven-King, who had to mend this numidition with his songs; Darsius of Cid Hartha, last of the true Ayleids, who the others had to convince to come because he was quite tired of fighting; Chief Tah the First Cartographer, whose rewrote the very appearance of the world with his maps; The Erotic Feline (whose deeds alongside Dibella during this battle were so unscrupulous they cannot be committed to paper); Ushna Clock, who could etch out Dragon Breaks; Hinds Trebates, esteemed member of House Trebates (who are secretly the last descendants of the chronomancers of myth); Francois Rapiste, a Daedra noble that betrayed the Kyn because he found a mortal more honorable than them; Day Bones, an Ehlnofey that was mounted by Kuru Finve, who awakened it from its long slumber; Sakazwal, a Briarheart who was also Shezarrine; Caspus, who was powered by ALMSIVI themselves (which was odd, because they too were amongst the men and women that day); Cheydin, who was descended from snakes and therefore was able immune to their eating; Darth Narwhals, strongest warrior of the sky-whales and son of Tsun; The Prowler, a Senche tiger capable of speaking Tamrielic fated by the gods to always catch his prey; the 216th Protean Storm (a sentient magicka cloud accidentally created by the combined magical forces of the First Legion); King Jonathan, also known as King Jo because he was the only Tang amongst this group and made clones of himself to cause mischief amongst the ranks of the snakes; The Operator, a Roscrean Sun-Mage that used the light to burn out much snake eyes’; QY81NNU, a snake word equation that gained enough sentience to betray its creators; Hoosi Erdaddy, last of the Yokudan Ansei who made way the universe itself make way for his arrival and had to be hold back from using the Pankratosword against their enemies; An Angry Wombat, which had been stuck in the cargo bay fuming at its misfortune; Wafers Cream, a Khajiit who gained her name by using ice cream grenades gifted from Yneslea; Santa Clause, a Morag Tong assassin born in Daggerfall during Saturnalia; the Ghost of Merry Eyesore the Elk (who fought back-to-back with Merry Eyesore the Elk, for Thargs had resurrected his body and this made the Dragon eat its own tail in a frenzy). And last but not least are those that are not named at all in this volume, which does not mean they are of less stature of the others, but means their deeds are so fantastic it is impossible to write about them without devaluing their greatness.

Yet all was for naught, for alas the Bane had gathered his men and women days previous and told those under his command that his days were numbered, and it was during the fighting that ill-fated serpent arrow caught him in the throat and Ionith fell. And of those that survived the First Legion were its scribes, Erol and Lalohcs, who returned to Septimia (which was still well-defended by the legionnaires remembered as the Bookers, whose faces were tattooed with the ruby dragon to show their devotion) with tears streaming down from their faces. And it was to their dismay that they forgot Chim-el Adabal, which had been gleaming around the Bane’s neck containing the souls of Perrif, Reman, and Talos himself. But the snakes were approaching and the survivors knew they could not recover it, and they fled Magne-Aka-Adabal-Vir and returned to Magne-Adabal ashamed beyond days.

But when they returned their eyes gleamed with surprise and glory when they saw young Uriel VI wearing the Chim-el Adabal around his neck, and when all asked where he gained the artifact he said his father had wrapped it around his blessed neck before kissing him goodbye. And all in Cyrod ran to Lake Rumare just in time to see (or not see, for none can truly remember this moment) a glorious fleet of ships being swallowed by spirit-mist, and at the helm of the greatest one stood the Bane with serpent arrow in his throat no longer, preparing the First Legion to sail off to war once again (but in the afterlife or the real no one shall ever know) before he too disappeared. And so is recorded the final days of the First Legion of the Imperial Expeditionary Force, or the Life-Deaths of the Divine Ruby Fleet of Uriel V the Bane.”