Missive from the Tang Mo

To his esteemed holiness the Emperor Titus Septim, convener and synthesis of all barbarian people of the Western Mystery Island, be they wise or stupid. As ever, I have the honour of being his excellency King Jigra Mo, Radiant Emperor and Learned Sage of the island called Act Now, Discuss Later, strongest bough of the Thousand and Thousand Islands of Tang Mo. I write during a cloudless orange sunset, with an easterly wind cooling my labours. I hope this missive finds you well, brave chieftain!

In your last contact you expressed a wish to learn more about the glittering realm of the Thousand and Thousand Islands of Tang Mo, where all monkeys are Emperors and no thoughts are wasted. I should be happy to enlighten you, and will use simple language so you are not confused.

My island is at the summit of a great archipelago. I swing from the royal branch and eat the fruit of the [untranslatable], which gives colour to my dreams. From the highest point of the island I can shout to my neighbours. There is my cousin, Luminous Emperor Oro Mo of the island Consider The Small Things. There is my cousin, Astral Emperor Pholaa Mo of the island Embrace Solipsism (with whom I rarely speak). Then there is my cousin, Shimmering Empress Cu Mo of the island Refer Always To Elder Wisdom, with whom I have many interesting discussions. I could go on until I run out of paper! But I will not.

Unlike your realm, where there are only two kinds of folk who argue all the time and nothing gets done, here we live as enlightened monkeys. While some outside the Thousand and Thousand Islands cleave to one idea or another, or to no idea at all (curses on them most of all! How fearful!), we embrace all notions except consensus. Every island is the centre of the archipelago, every Emperor is supreme ruler. I think this is a difficult idea for you, as you are only part monkey. I have enclosed calculation powder with this missive. It is a big risk! But it might help you to comprehend.

Life here is good but it is not perfect. The stupid ideas of foreigners cause a lot of trouble. The Cynical Dancers try to spread their ideas into the islands, and made my cousin Ililia Mo go the wrong kind of crazy. Her island’s name has had to be made secret, to protect the others. It makes me sad to think about it. And then I heard the Dancers were even trying to send their ideas to you! It seems pointless! Such a faraway place of no significance! But you must not listen to them unless they say good things about Tang Mo, in which case write them down in your hardiest alphabets.

Our friends the Noble Leapers also cause us problems, although they do not mean to. They want all things to be the same everywhere, which is too naïve a concept to be taken seriously. They are a little like you, my friend! No offense! We have had to send a Monkey Dragon, the great Shraka Mo, Sage of Sages, to them. He seems to have made them calm, and when his schedule allows he swims from island to island to hear our latest thoughts.

I must stop writing soon; my foot is tired. In addition to the calculation powder I have sent some of the items you requested as treasures or curios- a vial of blood from my thinking-tree, a list of Near-Perfect Fallacies, and a new way of perceiving colours (inscribed by foot on a big shell I found). Please remember to send the things I requested in your response. I am particularly interested in receiving the ‘HoonDing’ I asked for. I hope you can spare it.

May your eyes and ears always be clear, and may your voice howl with truth.

This note was found in a bottle on the shores of Lake Rumare. It is presumably a hoax, but an odd one. One would assume a hoaxer would know enough to address the letter to the current Emperor, Uriel Septim VII. I've never heard of any 'Titus Septim'.