THE BLACK HORSE COURIER: “QUINTILLIUS TREBATES STRIKES NEW NARSIS”

By The Voice of the Empire.

4E 201

Cyrodiil’s greatest literary charlatan, Quintillius Trebates, has struck again, butchering innocent ears with his latest work, a publicly delivered speech that the folk of the Imperial City have taken to calling ‘Kings of Ash’. In this speech, delivered two days prior, at evening, in the heart of the Imperial City’s New Narsis district, Quintillius Trebates called upon the Dunmer of the Great Houses, the Ash Tribes and of Imperial Persuasion to accept the Dreugh, or as he named them, Cephalo, as Morrowind’s rightful rulers. Most sources agree that he barely made it out of the district alive. When the Dunmer of New Narsis could no longer find Trebates and lynch him, they decided to lynch a number of Argonians “because in the twilight we thought the lizards looked like him”. Of course, knowing that Dunmer and Argonians were fighting, a local gang of Nords decided to start fighting as well, sparking a three way brawl that rampaged across New Narsis and the Waterfront for half the night.

Frankly readers, the Voice of the Empire cannot comprehend the lack of logic that must be fuelling the words and actions of Quintillius Trebates. Most citizens of good standing come to New Narsis to enjoy the perks of Dunmer culture, sample the finest skooma in Tamriel, or simply for no other reason than to enjoy a nice slice of cake or a polished spear at Uncle Crassius’ Bawdyhouse. Quintillius, it seems, came to New Narsis to spit in the face of thousands of years of history.

Clearly, it seems, Quintillius missed the small matter of thousands of years of Morrowind’s history in which it has been content (I use this term in a loose sense) under Dunmer rule. Sometimes it even prospered. Readers, the dominance of the Dunmer in Morrowind even stretches back into pre-history, what scholars oft name, the Merethic Era. Clearly, he missed in equal measure, the pride which every Dunmer on both sides of the Valus show clearly, whenever their homeland is mentioned. Maybe he also missed the frequent arrival in the capital of East Empire Ships and the Redoran Officers representing the current power structure in Morrowind. It seems the man lacks something in terms of his observations.

Perhaps his lack of awareness of recent happenings was because Quintillius was absent on one of the many ‘time traveling jaunts’ (I use the words of the man himself) that the Heartland’s most controversial author has been wont to disappear on. Yes, you heard right, Quintillius Trebates claims to have traveled through time and space, visited eras long passed and seen and done much that we mere mortals could never hope to dream of. If only we were all so fortunate!

Personally, though I am merely a writer of truths that the people of the realm need to hear, I feel I would be able to achieve equally impressive feats if I were in possession of a prodigious quantity of skooma. When it comes to achieving the impossible, it’s all in the mind, you see. So let’s all take a short ferry ride to the south of the capital, to Niben Bay, where we can visit Tamriel’s skooma capital, and go on a time traveling adventure! Bring your wife and mother! Bring your manservant Patsy! Bring your goat, Kevin! There’s room for the whole family when you travel through time with Quintillius Trebates!

Perhaps, you ask, the Voice of the Empire is unjust? Perhaps Quintillius truly is a traveler through the mystic ways of Aetherius. Perhaps he can do what the Thalmor, Black Robed masters of the Arcane, cannot, and he can control the Dragon at whim? Mayhaps Trebates has a good firm grasp upon the serpent (or just his own)? Bah! In all honesty, methinks it more likely that on the morrow, Ulfric Stormcloak will make peace, marry Kintyra Indarys and accept non-Nords into his heart than Quintillius Trebates actually riding the imperishable flow of the Dragon.

Trebates does have his defenders, however. Sir Rivalen Mothril of Leyawiin, a salty dog in the employ of the East Empire Company, whose history is currently being published by the Imperial University, had this to say of Trebates:

“I would have been in truly dire straits without the work of Quintillius Trebates. Have you ever tried to get a Telvanni Magelord to pay his debts? It doesn’t happen. They just don’t think like other men. But then came the time when I was sent to a Telvanni Tower to negotiate with the owner pay his debts. Old fellow, in full Daedric Armor, but nicer than mad master Neloth. Refused point blank to pay his debt to the EEC. Said I was welcome to challenge him to honorable combat to obtain the debt or to attempt to take as much treasure from his hoard to settle it- if I followed his rules. Since I’m no idiot, I opted on one last plan. I started reading Quintillius Trebates’ ‘Biograpy of Tiber Celedil’. Followed the old coot around for a few hours reading from the book. Eventually, the mad mage came to the point of tears and told me to ‘Take what money the EEC needed and leave him in peace’. He gave me a whole set of Daedric Armor as well. Neat eh?”

Meanwhile, Tamriel’s paragon of sanity, Master Neloth of Tel Mithryn, said “Usually, I use a page of Trebates when my steward’s tea is so terrible it needs an additive. Other times, it helps save costs on toilet paper.”

Supreme Justiciar Cirion of the Consulate of Amity said “Quintillius Trebates is that most rare of scholars; he never fears the anger of the public or his people and never censors aught for the sake of common decency. The Empire needs more folk like Trebates, who speak their minds, no matter subject. Trebates shows the true courage inherent in the Empire’s citizens.”

Whatever the truth of the matter, even if passions and tempers in the Imperial City eventually cool from this incident- and certainly citizens, we can rest easy knowing our Thalmor friends would want nothing but calm and happy citizenry on our streets- we will assuredly not have to wait long for another of Trebates’ famous outbursts. Already, the Voice of the Empire is betting amongst his friends whether the riots will next be amongst Altmer and Redguards or Orcs and Bretons. Oh such fun times we must live in, to witness the glory of the Empire!