Interview with a Barbarian

Author's note - This interview was conducted in the Reach kingdom of New Balfour during the reign of the Akaviri Potentate in the Second Era. The subject is King Deaglan, the leader of this barbarian kingdom . The authorship is unknown, but this appears to be the fourth in a series of similar interviews all apparently conducted by a single Colovian male

Great King, I kneel in respect and offer the customary gifts in accordance to your tribe's traditions.

"Acceptable humility. Quite unexpected from one born of a race of conquerors and liars. You may ask your questions. Limit them if you can. I have matters of State to attend to."

You call this kingdom New Balfour, after the historical kingdom sacked by Hestra and her Legions in the First Era. Was this name chosen to make a political statement, or does it have some spiritual value to your people?

"Strange question, boy. It's called Balfour because that's a good name for it. My people don't obsess over things in the same fashion yours do. We're very practical. I'm a practical guy, myself. What am I gonna eat today? What am I gonna kill today? Which of my wives am I gonna take to bed tonight? Maybe you could learn from us, you fussy Heartlanders with your ranks and your regulations."

You call yourself King, and the lesser settlements of the Reach are ruled by male Chieftains, but by reputation the Hags have higher authority. Can you explain the command structure of your society?

"That's a rude question, and a dumb question. Did you get knocked over the head as a manling or something? You do realize you're quite a long way from anyone who could or would help you if I chose to kill you right now, don't you?"

I meant no disrespect, of course, your Highness. I simply wondered what role the Hags play in society. The lore on the subject is scant and contradictory.

"Probably because the truth about my people isn't as exciting as those children's books you sell in your Empire. In my tribe, men rule but every boy loves his mama. That's how any decent man should be, in my opinion. We Kings and Chiefs are the sons of the Hags, and the Hags serve the Old Gods. I lead the flesh of our people and the Hags lead their spirits. I don't have the patience to explain further. Your silly Imperial head with your modestly clothed fake gods couldn't understand anyway."

Tell me about your old gods, please.

"They're old. Really old. And they're gods. Har har har."

Please, your Majesty. I'm serious. It will help my people understand your people better.

"Oh, is that so? Kinda like how that snake captain 'understood' New Dunlain when he burned it to the ground and slaughtered its women and children? I'm not sure if I'm a big fan of Imperial understandings."

Well, I'm genuinely curious, that's all.

"Fine. I'll tell you a little bit. Just enough. The Old Gods were men and women once, in the old world. There was a big mean bully named Lyg. He was kinda like your stupid Potentate. He thought he knew what was best for everybody, and he kept them in chains. One day the strongest slaves built up their muscles enough from doing all his dirty work that they caught him off guard and smashed his big stupid head in. Then they ripped his big stupid heart out and followed the hole it made into the new world. They built it out of his old bones, and they broke off pieces of his head and became gods with it. Honestly, don't they teach you this stuff back home?"

So the Potentate is a demon in your view?

"Yeah, but that ain't so bad. World needs demons. They keep us strong and focused. Hestra was a demon, too. We still keep shrines to her. Give her some blood now and then so she never comes back again. See that statue over there?"

That's just a statue of Dibella, with blood painted on it.

"Right. Empress Hestra statue. Very strong god. Very mean. We love her. We hate her. Next question."

Er...well, I see you have several Orcs in your tribe, including two of your wives. What's the relationship between the Orcs and your people?

"I can't tell ya all that boring history. I can tell you about my relationship with the Orcs, though. Big as a bear. Twice as mean. Almost as good in bed."

How did you come to be leader of this kingdom?

"The other guy didn't dodge my sword fast enough."

Do you think that's a good system of deciding who rules?

"Yes."

I've heard that the favored weapon of the barbarian was the long axe, but you are an expect archer. Can you tell me why you prefer the long bow?

"Because my people hunt for a living and we ain't stupid. Ever tried to face down a mammoth or a short-faced bear with an axe, boy? I betcha anything you'd stink your underpants right quick."

Why do you feel your people should rule over the Reach?

"We've been here the longest? I mean, honestly, who wrote these questions? My four year old son asks better questions than this, and he's a deaf-mute."

There are some in the Empire who go so far as to suggest that the old Reach kingdoms fell by Divine right for their worship of Daedra. How does this make you feel?

"Insulted, if I was a Daedra. This is coming from a group of people who are literally ruled by a talking snake, by the way, so I can't really take it seriously. Go look in a mirror."

Do you have any final thoughts you'd like to share with my readers back home?

"Please just go away and leave my people and my land alone from now on. Please. It's not a great idea to rile us up. You can go, now. I have wives to appease, you know."