I am Kynval

Pondering for eons, I needed to finally vent my ponderings. I will not name myself, lest my scribings be taken for hubris above my station by my Kynreeve, worse still the Markynaz my Kynreeve answers too.

I am near redundant without war. In rare times when clan disputes and conflicts are resolved. I feel useless and otherwise forgotten, discarded. Thus far I have risen through the ranks with a surety of purpose. My pride earned thus far, my loyalty proven. In the unsteady peace I have always felt ignored, un valued. This shames and has vexed me much.Woe betide I would ever speak of this openly.

Without the light and heat of war, the darkness begins to creep back in.No matter how many times these cycles persist, it always unsettles me in the latter. My brethren will always tell me the same.To never be lax in self discipline. To realign my spirit in meditation and martial focus. To always remember and honour my clan bond and oath bond.

Why then do I feel so listless?. Curse my form, when I sense it to be lesser than theirs. For without my brothers and the bonds that unite, I would surely be lost. A victim of Sheogorath maybe?

As the ages go by, my thoughts sap me more. I feel contempt, disgust for what could only be seen as weakness. Have my brothers been carrying me on their backs for so long?. May I be damned if this is true.

Sometimes I wish I was simple and savage as a Clanfear. So pure and unfettered in their way. Or man or mer. To live as a mortal. To feel their exquisite sufferings and joys. To be born. To create life akin to your own, to nuture and tend to it. Such sentiment heard,would no doubt have me banished from my clan.

To be mortal and eventually have the sweet solace of death. And to know the insufferable ponderings would be made quiet with it.