A Grumpy Nord Talks About Mammoths and Giants

#An Introduction to Giants and their Tusky Friends

My name is Gedillur Hoary-Wrists, and I’m writing this book to clear up a few miskonsepshions mistakes people make about Giants and Mammoths.

First of all, Giants are dumb as all Oblivion. They grunt, therefore they’re dumb. That’s my philosophy. I fought in the Great War after all, and I met some real grunters (Thalmor.) They come in different varieties, like the Swampy one from Morthal, and the smelly ones from Whiterun. Talos, they stink.

Anyway, now to my first point. A lot of people think that Giants are like scholarly goblins, but they’re not, they’re just tall goblins. They’re like really old Elves. Dumb, with pointy ears, and too bloody tall. They also like mammoths.

They ride the real big mammoths too, but only sometimes. They sometimes get down and dirty with mammoths, like Sven next door with his dog.

Now, onto mammoths proper. I have a soft spot for mammoths, ‘cause in the War, we dressed ‘em up in some nice silvery armour and stuff, and they stomped those Thalmor down into the Earth Bones.

I even rode a mammoth once, too. His name was Elvid. We had to kill him for that trunk when he took a Malachite sword to the unmentionables.

So, during the War, we had a Mammoth ‘Legion.’ There were a hundred odd hairy tuskers in the group, and they smelled like Glinki Wave-Tooth after he mucks the stables. So, we were there, and everything was going great. We had some sacred mammoths with eight tusks, and rings on their trunks. Some were bloody humongous. I’ll tell you a story ‘bout this actually. So, we were making our way to Leyawiin, ‘cause the Thalmor were down there, rippin’ up them Argonians and Khajeets.

We had to shave the mammoths, some, ‘cause it was stinkin’ hot down there, and the bloody mosquitoes, Talos! So, we got to Leyawiin, and the bloody Elves were burning down the town! I got out trusty Bjod, and I started smelling that sweet, black Thalmor blood as he sliced through their tender tendons.

But then we unleashed the mammoths, and they knocked down the bloody walls! They ripped up the Thalmor ranks real bloody quick, but we lost half of them, and we had to retreat.

So that’s my little war story over. Klorrend just told me I should put in my Mammoth Unmentionable soup recipe. So here it is:

##Some Mammoth and Giant Recipes

Mammoth Unmentionable Soup

Firstly, go find a mammoth. Cut off its second trunk. Go find some more mammoths. Cut off their second trunks, till you got ‘bout six. Then get back home.

Clean their pi-pi pipes, then remove it. Feed it to your mutt. Proceed to dice them chunky bits, and if they got any mammoth milk left in, get rid of it.
Get the rest o’ the flesh, and put it aside.

Then get some garlic, some snowberries, maybe some Elf’s Ear too. Ground mammoth tusk works too, but it’s bloody expensive. You’ll also need some tomatoes, some leeks, and some salt too. That should be enough.

Proceed to thoroughly chop the Elf’s Ear, and squeeze the tiniest bit of berry into the bottom of the bowl. Then grind your garlic, and put it in too. Next, do whatever you want with the tomatoes, but make sure it gets into the soup alright. Then chop the leeks and put ‘em in too. Don’t forget the salt.

Next you want to get a nice fire, and put it over the flames. Pour some water in, hot, cold, don’t matter.

Let it boil, and keep adding water, till most of the planty bits have liquefied. Then put in the mammoths, chuck on the lid, and let it cook for a good half hour. Stir, add some ectoplasm (if you ‘ave any,) then serve. Delicious.