Uncle Sheo: On Forks and their Tonal Applications

Uncle Sheo's Encyclonomicodex: Chapter Twenty-Cheese, Forks and their Tonal Applications

Gather round my sweetmeats, around Haskill's lawn ornaments and listen to your Uncle Sheo tell your ear-noses about Forks, that most fig leek of utensils (except for calipers, those are better, but only if you're a squab).

Have you even wondered how when you horripilate, that you feel just like a gong? Well, that's because you are! You see, my Fork of Horripilation is not for eating, its for Dwemercraft and Dragonsong! You strike it against the skull of a Grummite and hear your bones sing, sing, sing! Like an Atmoran in a drakeskin! Or a Dwarf in a brass shell!

Ever wonder why Ysgramor sounds like Ysgra-Mora, which sounds a bit (but not a bat) like Herma-Mora, well thats a quirk of the phonetic sensibilities of a half-blind kitten in a glacier, which is to say, not a coincidence at all!

And ever wonder why Ysgra-Mora could eat soup with a fork? Well, thats because he didn't! That fork (which a dead idiot calls a soup spoon) was plucked from the vocal chords of an un-named and used to weave the threads of-NO!NO!NO!NO!-and go against the metronome to tonally tune the turnings of his own surroundings. That fork was curdled after my fork, or maybe not. But it still did the same thing, only more killy and less tea party. Ysgra-Mora looked at the shape of Sithis (after all Sithis is quite the Fox) and decided to fashion a tuning fork for the Voice of his Love!

So when the Dwemer saw the sons of Ysgra-Mora Shouting and screaming at the Snow Elves to die so hard that they did, they were completely confused and inspired, like a boot in a river or a line of skulls staring stupidly at the still sky searching for something! The raisin that Keening looks like a Fork upside-down is because it is! Handkerchief Tonal Arkie-tect Kag-n-snacks was looking to get to gather an orchestra, with a Drummer as the main attraction!

And that's why I gave my Fork to a Dragon Priest, because he knew the Power Sounds that make Forks sing like a beautiful princess kidnapping a dragon to keep in the Stone basement of her Tower until a Knight comes to rescue her but is really tricked into jumping into a boiling cauldron for the wedding meal of the Princess and the Dragon (who has long since grown fond of his captor). Last I heard they were expecting their first child, I do so hope they'll name it after me.

The ending of these beginnings is AE GHARTOK MLUO [WABBAJACK] AE ALTADOON.