The Artifact of Thieves [Apocrypha]

The Artifact of Thieves

By Naspia Loche

This advance draft is to be reviewed by Director Varrid, along with the attached sketches and receipts, before being passed along to the Imperial Press.

As the reader is no doubt aware, Nocturnal is one of the few recognised Powers given heed by thieves across Tamriel. Some scholars have written of sects and secret temples to the Night Mistress in Skyrim, but I doubt these supposed clerics are true thieves. The scholars may indeed have met daedra worshippers of thieving intent but I doubt they are the same rabble that frequent the prisons of cities around the empire.

No the ruffians I have interviewed both behind bars and inside them...

(Director Varrid, please edit the manuscript so that the joke I am trying to make is more apparent. Imperial Scholarly writing has become so lifeless and unengaging that I believe this is why we are losing the public readership and must rely upon imperial funding.)

Director's Note: A research committee should be formed to test whether a more...rustic...text will support our research. Divines know the capital never funds our research appropriately.

...all of the cutpurses, sneak thieves, prowlers, and thugs I have spoken with all hold the same indifferent but self-serving genuflection to the shadows. It is more of a 'may as well' frame of mind than that of true worship.

Thieves are motivated only by self-interest. And this self-interest is the only part of their temperament that may be trusted with any degree of success. And this self-interest is why I believe thieves have this tenuous, or rather tenebrous, connection to Nocturnal.

(Director, does the above joke work well? It sounds funny out loud but I can never tell whether the humour makes the necessary transition to paper. As always I will leave the final edition with your decision.)

Director's Note: This is not humour, just the flaunting of vocabulary. Printing Officers excise the attempt at humour.

In my travels studying the distrustful and reclusive culture of thieves, I have noticed a common element. That of stories. All thieves love a good story, even more so if they are the main figure of the story. Boasts, jests, tales of capers, lauded acts of larceny, the building blocks of reputation. And a thieve's reputation is perhaps the only thing a thief values more than gold or freedom. Another reason why I doubt the validity of the supposed Thief-Worshippers of Nocturnal. If they are truly thieves then why are there not stories of their shadowy exploits?

But nevertheless, the stories most oft whispered by thieves are those involving the Skeleton Key. That Artifact of Nocturnal that exists in almost as much mystery as the Mistress of Shadows Herself.

The Key that can open any lock. The Artifact wielded by the most storied Hero's and Villains.

Last known to be in the hands of the Champion of Cyrodiil at the end of the Third Era, the Skeleton Key has been lost in the turmoil of the early years of the Fourth Era. While some of my fellow scholars might assert that the Umbranox Affair had something to do with the Skeleton Key I do not. Because I found the last holder of the key and interviewed her.

The following interview was conducted at a prison in Cheydinhal. The subject, one khajiit woman who calls herself Sweet-Tooth. The interviewer, Naspia Loche.

"Tell me Sweet-Tooth, how did you come to be in this prison?"

"The Count's guards. They are too stupid to be bribed."

"Why were you arrested?"

"This one was found in the inner chambers of the Count. But khajiit stole nothing!"

"Are you saying you're innocent?"

"Khajiit says she stole nothing. If she stole nothing then why is she locked unfairly so?"

(The thief at this point came very close to the bars and I could smell that her breath was indeed sickly sweet. But the wily imperial scholar also noted the paw she stuck through the grate and tried to snatch my belt knife with. Interviewing the criminal kind has given me an insight into their methods.)

"Stop that! You were arrested because you were caught in the Count's rooms?"

"Caught implies it was a fair contest!"

"And why was it not a fair contest?"

"Because Sweet-Tooth was distracted and did not hear the guards."

"Distracted?"

(At this point the thief withdrew into her cell and became quite recalcitrant. Only by offering some moon-sugar I keep on my person, strictly for interviews such as this mind, was I able to get the rest of the tale.)

"This one was distracted yes."

"What distracted you?"

"Sweet-Tooth was a great thief before she ended up stuck in this hole."

(My lessons in interviewing techniques by Tandilwe in the Imperial City paid off as I simply said nothing. You would have been so proud of me Director.)

"Long before she was stuck in this hole Sweet-Tooth was a thief as subtle as the wind, as sneaky as a river snail in the long shadow of the day.

Once she even snuck upon the Champion of Cyrodiil. Her ears had heard of the gold and black armour of the Champion. Sweet-Tooth saw the Champion laying in the shade of a tree by a riverbank, pretending to sleep. Even making the sounds of snoring inside the armour, and Sweet-Tooth thought to herself the Champion must be pretending to sleep, for who would sleep with a helmet on?

And so by her knowledge of the trick Sweet-Tooth was untricked and stealthily crept and minnowed her way to the other side of the tree. From there her suspicions of a trap grew certain. None could snore that loud and lustily and remain asleep.

Predicting the trick earned her the right to relieve such a poor trickster of their valuables. So Sweet-Tooth instead went to the saddle-bags of the gaudily armoured horse and took the treasure!"

(At this point the khajiit demanded more moon-sugar and like any good researcher I obliged.)

"So there Sweet-Tooth was, with the greatest treasure any khajiit could have. A lockpick, that proved Sweet-Tooth as the greatest thief of all time. From then she could open any door, any chest. She stole from lords and ladies, knights and mages. All trusted their treasure to the security of a box or a house or a castle. And Sweet-Tooth's treasure won them all for her."

"Do you have it? The Skeleton key is with you?" "If this one had the treasure, this one would not be trading tales for sugar yes?"

(At this point I was out of moon-sugar and Sweet-Tooth refused to tell the rest of the story, until I offered the sweet roll I was planning to have for lunch. But this noble sacrifice earned me the rest of the story.)

"So Sweet-Tooth had robbed many nobles. But she had never come to Cheydinhal before. So when she learned that a member of Hlaalu had their treasures in the Castle she had to test her skill.

But when she was almost there, so close she could smell the riches, the Key was gone! A line of unlocked doors behind her but no Skeleton key!"

"And then you were caught?" "But Sweet-Tooth was distracted! Looking for the Key! It's not fair! Not fair!"

END OF INTERVIEW

And there is the proof of the Key's last location, now missing.

Artifacts of great power, particularly those of the Daedra, are known to choose their bearers, but never the same bearer, and never for long. But if the exchanges can be documented then perhaps we can learn more about the Hero's that wield them and those who created them.

Naspia Loche, Imperial Scholar.